Scene 1
Couple of days back, I rammed into a car from behind. Nothing serious, but my Toyota logo fell off. For two days, I drove around without the logo. Then I went to the showroom. They said Rs. 750 for the logo, with GST and labour it’ll be Rs. 1000. I checked on Amazon, Rs. 450. I didn’t buy it online because I wasn’t sure of the size. So, I went to the car accessories bazaar – mostly Muslim shops.
One guy in a skull cap asked me what I wanted. I said Toyota logo. He said Rs. 1500. I asked him why Rs. 1500 when Toyota showroom is Rs. 1000 and Amazon is Rs. 450. He said: showroom sells Indian, Amazon is Chinese, his is imported from the US. I thought fuck you and went to the next shop, again a Muslim fellow. He charged me Rs. 300 and even fixed it for free.
Scene 2
I had to fix a 15-amp socket. I called an electrician. He was a pious Hindu, forehead full of vermillion and sandalwood paste. He said it’ll cost Rs. 300. I gave him Rs. 500 to get one from the nearby Jain Marwari shop. He brought the socket, gave me a handwritten bill for Rs. 300, and returned Rs. 200 balance honestly.
My wife said we already had the same socket at home. I told him to fix the old one, and I’d return the new one. I told him, “Good we have the bill.” The electrician kept insisting he’d return it himself. I forced him to continue the work so we don’t waste time.
I went to the Jain shop – it always smells of flowers and agarbattis – and asked for a refund. He took the socket and the bill and gave me Rs. 250. I said, “No, you need to return Rs. 300.” He said, “But I only took Rs. 250 from that man.” I asked why he then gave a bill for Rs. 300. He said, “Because he asked for a Rs. 300 bill.” No guilt, no shame. I came home with Rs. 250, slightly furious. The Hindu electrician had already finished the work. He pulled Rs. 50 out of his shirt pocket and returned it to me.
Scene 3
2004. My sister and I wanted to start a medical transcription business. We had to pay Rs. 50,000 in New Delhi to get the project. We went, met the guy. A Sikh, turbaned, long beard. We handed over a DD for 50k, collected the CD, came back to Chennai, started the business with 5 recruits. For two weeks, he picked up calls. After that, nothing. It was a scam. We wound up in a month.
Scene 4
A Tamil Brahmin once gave me his card, asked me to visit his silk saree shop. We went. He gave us a walk-through of his handloom setup. Holy ash on his forehead, the typical Brahmin accent, kept adjusting his cross-thread so I wouldn’t miss it. Good salesman. Showed us fifty sarees. I bought one for my mother’s birthday.
My mother is psychic and cynical, doesn’t trust anyone easily. The moment I told her I bought it from a handloom, she took out a measuring tape. The saree was one metre shorter than standard.
Scene 5
There are only two temples for Lord Brahma in India – Pushkar, Rajasthan, and Kumbakonam, Tamil Nadu. Me and my wife came down from UAE and went to the Kumbakonam one. A temple priest spotted us, came running, asked if we were from the US. I said, no, from UAE. He quickly chanted some mantras, did aarti, and said, “You are very lucky. Today is auspicious. If you want, I’ll show you Lord Brahma’s 4th face.”
I knew Brahma has four faces, but I wondered how he’d show me. I said okay. He ran to the deity, slyly pulled a dirty yellow screen hanging behind the idol. For a moment, I thought he’d press a button like in a James Bond film and Brahma would rotate. Instead, he asked me to look into a mirror where I could see the reflection of Brahma’s 4th face. He quickly closed the screen and said, “I don’t show this to everyone. Only because you requested.”
I put Rs. 50 in the plate. He said, “No, no… Rs. 500.” My wife asked why. He said, “For Brahma’s 4th face.” I didn’t want to show him my nasty face, so I quietly put Rs. 500. Later, I told myself, I’ll deal with Brahma personally.
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This whole storytelling is in the context of the Tirupati Ladoo row – where Chandrababu Naidu and Jaggi Vasudev claim that only Hindus should work in temples because only Hindus will remain sincere to Hindu Gods. The truth? Humans are fraudulent everywhere. They haven’t understood God or religion properly. Cheating fellow humans doesn’t seem to stop anyone from looking religious.
So which politician – Hindu, Muslim, Christian, Sikh, Jain – is going to remain honest? None. And honesty, when it exists, can belong to any religion.
Case closed.
PS – Before scanners and detectors, Tirupati priests used to swallow gold coins, rings, and chains donated by devotees. For those who wonder what happens when you swallow gold – it comes out in your shit next day, unscathed. You just wash it and keep it. Not the shit – the gold.