Governance is hard. You know what’s easy? Distraction.
Forget employment. Forget affordable housing. Forget air you can breathe or water that won’t kill you. Just master the ancient Indian political playbook — not the one from Arthashastra, but the WhatsApp University edition.
Here’s your foolproof guide to keeping a billion people happy — or at least distracted enough to not ask for a better life.
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Step 1: Abuse Pakistan. Religiously.
It doesn’t matter that you trade mangoes and send secret peace letters. As long as your primetime news anchor is foaming at the mouth while yelling “Surgical strike 4.0 confirmed!”, your TRPs and approval ratings are sorted.
India could have 200 million unemployed youth, but hey — we dropped a bomb near a tree in Balakot! National pride restored. No jobs, but who needs jobs when you have Josh?
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Step 2: Target Indian Muslims. Gently. But Repeatedly.
Ah, the time-tested method. When the GDP dips, raise the volume of the communal dog whistle. Love Jihad, Land Jihad, Halal Jihad, even Tomato Jihad — innovation is key.
Make every Muslim a walking suspect. And then congratulate yourself for “unity in diversity” in front of the UN.
Hate is free. And profitable.
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Step 3: Host the IPL (and throw in a couple of India-Pakistan matches).
Nothing numbs existential despair like watching 11 men chase a ball. The IPL isn’t just cricket — it’s emotional chloroform.
By the time Rinku Singh hits his third last-ball six, people will forget their city flooded, their road caved in, and their children are still in the same school toilet where 6 kids share 1 pot.
Add fireworks. Add Bollywood. Add Harsha Bhogle’s poetic commentary. Instant dopamine.
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Step 4: Promote Vegetarianism (especially if you’re upper-caste and urban).
Because nothing says “cultural pride” like telling a hungry man what not to eat. In a country with 40% malnourishment, food is politics, not nutrition.
Ban beef. Raid meat shops during festivals. And run Instagram campaigns saying “Plants have feelings too.”
The cow must live. Even if the Dalit child doesn’t.
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Step 5: Offer Free Visa to Bangkok.
Sure, Indian passports are among the weakest. But no problem — here’s your escape route: Thailand. Where your rupee still has some self-respect.
It’s cheaper than Goa, nobody judges your libido, and there’s Wi-Fi.
Give every frustrated man a chance to live the fantasy his Bollywood heroes sold him. While his parents watch Ramayan reruns at home, he’s feeding bananas to monkeys at a Thai temple — with a detour to Soi Cowboy.
We’ve balanced karma.
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Step 6: Shout “Sanatana Dharma” as Loud as Possible.
Nobody really knows what it means. But that’s perfect. Ambiguity is power. Wrap it in saffron, add a tilak, throw in a quote from some fake “ancient scripture” and suddenly you’re defending a 5000-year-old civilization by trolling a journalist.
Sanatana Dharma, in this context, is less about inner truth and more about outer rage.
Don’t ask questions. Just chant.
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Bonus Trick: Rename Cities.
When all else fails, rename a railway station. Or an airport. Or a planet. Because what’s in a name? Apparently, everything — if you have nothing else to offer.
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The Final Recipe
• Keep the masses angry.
• Keep them entertained.
• Keep them spiritual.
• Keep them distracted.
And always remind them: if they are poor, it’s because they haven’t meditated enough.
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Conclusion: Why Fix Reality When You Can Manufacture Illusion?
The Indian citizen, today, is not looking for truth. They’re looking for relief. From bills, from guilt, from complexity. And what better relief than to outsource your rage to a villain and your hope to a myth?
Who needs healthcare when you have Har Har Mahadev?
Who needs clean governance when you’ve got clean chits?
Let them chant, let them cheer, let them consume.
And pray they never start asking why their life still feels like a permanent waiting room.